How do I get rid of this now? I always get in the stupidest situations. Right when I thought I got out of it, I kept thinking about how awful I was and I went back and tried to fix it. Instead, I just got in deeper than I was before.
Maybe I should just be a bitch and then that’s when I’ll really be alone. Doesn’t sound like an entirely bad thing considering I hate everyone around me atm.
I seriously can’t stand my mom anymore.
i can’t even have a normal conversation with her without her telling me what i did wrong earlier or what i am currently doing that is just not right. she’s always pointing out faults in me and i hate being in the same room with her now. yes, it’s gotten to that point. why can’t she just understand that i’m almost 18. i’m not a little kid. i can make my own decisions in life and i don’t need her on my back for every thing. i want to make mistakes and to learn from them. i want to make the wrong decisions because that just means my next decision will be better than the one before. i don’t need her as much as she thinks i do. she needs to snap out of her old fashioned ways and face that this is the 21st century, not the 18th.
I think it’s important to be alone sometimes.
Not just to ‘think’ about things. To just take in whats around you and have some time for yourself. Drink some lemonade. Catch up on your TV shows or just watch YouTube videos and go on Tumblr all day. I actually believe that days like this help me. It’s refreshing to be alone and not next to people who nag on me all the time and think that they are some scholars that can help me improve my life. Like, no. Just… no.
Today, most of my family (aunts, uncles, mom, sister, dad, cousins etc) were out for most of the day so I was just here with a couple of people. Which is a big deal to me because usually I’m in this house with 10+. This house is like a mansion anyways and it’s like the main place where all my extended family come and hang out. Except I don’t really like any of them, but I fake it and make it seem like I do. Actually, I don’t think that I don’t like them, it’s just that I know that they don’t understand me and I don’t really get along with any of them.
So anyway, no one really came over since there was that wedding and weddings here take up the whole day so woo-hoo. I woke up around 12 pm (hollaaaa) and just laid back a bit, finished reading a book and then two of my cousins came with take out. So we ate then I just watched PLL (all 4 episodes of this season lol) and I downloaded/watched YouTube videos and just kind of stayed on Twitter for most of the day.
I also had a hour nap so that was refreshing.
I just had a lot of time to myself and it just makes me feel a lot better than I have been feeling.
I doubt anyone cares or is even reading this because I know this post was really unorganized and totally all over the place, but I’m really hoping one day I will have a successful personal blog.
Until next time,
Can I just start over?
Go back to when my problems were simple and I didn’t have to think about things like this. When I wasn’t always so upset and let down and when I actually felt happiness in my life. All I want is to feel good. To feel happy and alive. I’m really not asking for much. I don’t care about anything else anymore. I just want to be around people I love and people that make me feel happy.
I have the worst luck in the world and it always seems like everything bad happens to me.
I don’t even want to go to college anymore. I never thought I would say that. And I could never ever tell my parents that. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life, I guess I’m just lost and disappointed with the future that I’m not even putting an effort in doing anything anymore. I’m moving to a different country where I know I’m not going to enjoy. I’m leaving behind what I wanted in life and I know that I’m going to be soon forgotten here. I wanted to go to college here and start a new social life and just kind of a new fresh start to everything. But nope, as usual, my luck is beyond terrible. I just feel misunderstood and lonely right now. I sound so pathetic, but that’s just exactly how I feel.
☼ the beautiful things in life
one of the best things i personally love is to watch the sun come up. over the summer, for like 3 weeks straight, i would stay awake with one of my cousins and my favorite part would be to open on the windows or just go outside and sit. the air was so fresh and crisp, the new start to a new day. the sky changed colors from a light violet to pink. i sat in silence, just thinking. i loved how isolated everything seemed, and the stillness of everything is actually quite relaxing. its beautiful watching the sun come up. i love it.
last night i slept really early because i wasn’t feeling too well, and i just woke up around 5:30 am. first time since the summer, i watched the sun come up. i wish i could do it every day. i’m going to try to sleep earlier so i can wake up this early. it feels great.
dreamer vs realist
i guess i always considered myself to be a dreamer. i mean, i was, but i definitely am not now. i’ve always been the person who tried to look at the brighter and more positive side of a lot of situations, and i was always the person that attempted to cheer people up when they were sad. i always tried to smile even at the hardest of times. i just have always thought that life was too short to just sit around and hate everything and that being sad was just a waste of time.
it’s so weird how things change, including yourself.
i think that after a lot of things happened in my life, i saw that in most problems the end wasn’t a happy ending or something to smile about. because quite frankly, this is how it really is in life. it is not rainbows and butterflies- shit always happens and that is just reality. it’s hard for me to think positively now. i just can’t. i really try to, but i know that the positive things will not happen. they never do. the worst case scenario is always the first thing that i think of. i’ve been let down too many times to even believe that it will happen. for example, right now there are a couple of complicated ‘situations’ that i’m in, and whatever ends up happening will literally effect the rest of my life. and i’ve kind of just given up on even trying to do what i want. i know whats going to happen, and it’s not going to be what i want or like. it’s not what i like to hear or think, but it’s the honest and harsh truth. i’m not looking forward for the rest of this year. heck, i’m not looking forward for the next couple months. i’m literally avoiding everyone i know because i can’t even stand the thought of saying good bye when the day comes. and right now, it just feels like i’m sitting here watching people go on with their lives, and continue pursuing their dreams while i’m not doing anything.
a lot of things in life don’t make sense,
but i think that’s what keeps us on our toes. it’s okay to make mistakes. it’s okay to say the wrong things and do nothing when you have a million things you should be doing.
the past days i’ve really just been thinking a lot. more than usual. maybe it’s because i don’t know what i want to do with the rest of my life. i just sit and contemplate about the different things i could do. there are a lot of options, but the problem is i don’t know where i am going to be in 2 years. by that, i mean literally. as in, what country. it changes everything if i’m not going to be in america.
but then again, that’s okay. because even if i don’t like that change in the beginning, maybe it’s for the best.
✿feb 26 2012 11:45 pm: procrastination at its finest.
i stayed home this morning/afternoon with my sister, little brother and my cousins son. my mom went out dress shopping, and i stayed home to work.
basically, i haven’t done anything today. i wanted to finish up some chemistry and turn in some government and maybe finish some healthy living and/or psychology. i did none of that. i finished half of a chem lab, but never got through the whole thing because i got stuck. so naturally i just left it for the universe to complete for me.
i don’t even know what i did today. like, i literally did nothing. i watched some youtube videos, reblogged some pictures, talked to some old friends and did nothing productive.
i’m hoping that i can stay up tonight and finish my chem lab and do something else for school. but i am tired, so i feel like i just might crash.
anywaysss… so i’ve been slowly but surely gaining followers! hello to all the new people that have started following me. :)
i’m still trying to “find out” want kind of blog i want mine to be. you can probably tell i’ve been experimenting, and also losing followers in the process (down side), but i think i’m getting closer and closer to what type of blog i want to have.
lol i can’t wait until i graduate. just thinking about it makes me smile, i can’t believe i actually am graduating a year early! i always thought i was gonna be class of 2013, but 2012 is totally fine with me. i’m just kind of done with school, and i’ve lost all the little motivation i had left. i just really need to stay on top of things so i can have a good grade to graduate with. college is a fresh new start with new opportunities, new people and just new everything. i’m ready for that. and honestly, i’m not even that nervous. i know i probably should be, but i’m not. i just can’t wait until i can just finish this, and go and actually do something with my life.